Silence

Is my greatest fear

Through hated tears

Through hatred clears

A new day is dawning

A new time is coming

Clear the way

For the fresh day

Take a step back

It's not what you thought,

No deliverance yet

Carry on, carry on

So we thought there was something coming

Well, turns out we were wrong

Man up

Buckle down

Live this thing out

Around

This time

Once again

Maybe we'll see something

For the first time.

I could've sated my desire

Or at least tried

I could've attempted to fill my misery

Or rather, numb it

But I didn't

I haven't

I chose to withstand

I am now at a loss

I came to You

I came to You

This is all I can boast

But boast?

Not even

It's the one thing I can hold to

The only thing that shows

Maybe I'm doing something right

I came to You

I came to You

I come to You

Who am I kidding?

I'm still as deep in as the very first day

I'm still in need—

Such deep, deep need

I don't understand

Anything

If I burn, is it not mine to have fulfilled?

Yet I feel so inadequate

I have nothing to offer

I have nothing to offer

No solace

No talent

No gift

No recognition

Nothing

I am outcast

And I doubt You

I doubt You

This is the truth of the matter

I doubt You

So while I am helpless in myself

I have completely nothing

For I don't even trust You

How can a person get so twisted?

How can the pressure be that much?

Your standards are so different

Than those of this world

But I can't see them

I can't see them

My mind is bare of Your truths

Which I don't even believe

And full of the lies

The expectations

The standards

Of all these

I drown in my own worthlessness

Choking on the failed attempts to be

Be something society would uphold

Would cherish

Would adore

Would worship

Failed attempts

All, failed attempts

The scream of my heart

Is no longer to be given something

That would be accepted in society

But that I could, somehow, someway,

Be okay

With being nothing

Absolutely nothing

Because I need to be

Because it's who I am

This I know

But I'm not okay with it

Not yet

I'm still searching, still longing

Within myself

Looking

Looking for something

Something I can shine in

Something

Anything…

It's not there

It never will be

Never will show up

This I know

I want to be okay

I need to be okay

Okay with this

Okay

Okay

I should not look to have my identity

In things

Such as these

You

Only You

Only You

Only You

Father, thank You for discipline

Thank You

For revealing my heart to me

I was barely even aware of this thing's

Hold on me

Father, set me free!

I don't know why You've made me

Like this,

But that's not my concern

I know You've made me beautiful

For I'm made

In Your image

And You are beyond anything

That could ever be imagined

That beautiful

I fear others will never see me

I fear others will never see me

Never see the beauty that I do have

Worse yet

I fear others will never want to see me

Never want to see me

This

Is my deepest fear.

I could go now

I could still go

I have plenty to attempt to heal

The pain in me.

But will it help?

Goodness no

Shall I then do it?

Goodness, no

God help me

Help me

Help me

I don't even remember

What I was mourning over

My mind

My mind

My mind!

Trust

Trust

I want to trust You

I need to trust You

Take You at Your word

Do I believe You?

If I believe You

I have to believe

What You say

That's the way it works

I believe You

I believe You

I do

I do believe You

If I believe You

I have to believe

What You say

It only makes sense

Why

Why would I believe You

And not believe

What You say?

It would mean

I really don't believe You

In the first place

As it is

I do believe You

I know I believe You!

Of that I am convinced

It must follow, then

That I believe what You say

And I do

I know I do

Deep inside

I don't want it to stay there

Deep inside

It needs to be

At the top of my mind

Infused, all through it

It needs to be

Renewed

I long to stay myself

In the truths of Your Word

And not have to deal with

The rest of the world

Is that possible?

Even the thought

Of what I'm suggesting

Is completely counter-cultural

Father, lead me

I don't desire

To be a part of this world any longer

Please, lead me

Away from the ways of this world

And into

The light of Your truths

Teach me Your ways

Show me Your paths

Train me to walk in them

May my eyes be fixed on You

As You show me how.

There will be tears

I want to cry to You

There will be joy

I want to rejoice in You

There will be pain

I want to hurt in You

There will be bliss

I want to close my eyes

And breathe in You!

It will be hard

I want to work with You

And in the end

I want to feast with You

In celebration

That between You and I

My whole purpose on this earth

Was fulfilled

That You held me

Never let me go

That I loved to stay with You

That You saved me

That I never strayed from this truth

That You love me

That I held on to You

Even as You held onto me

That I did my best to follow

As You led me

That even though the road was tough

And You had to bear much

With my short-comings

Yet we could rejoice along the way

Any time

In our journey

I, devoid of coordination

Sometimes not even meaning to,

Other times working hard to stumble,

But all times joyful

For that is what it is for You

Not stumbling, but walking

However accidental it may have been

Not failing, but succeeding

However small the progress made

How could I have ever imagined You so?

A condemning Father

Up in the heavens

Barking at me to get it right,

When will you learn?!?

You do not condemn

For I am in Your Son

Washed clean

Washed clean

And now all there is

Is forward motion

However short or long

Purposeful or accidental

Practiced or spontaneous

With You and me,

We make a great team

Maybe this is why

I am Your fellow worker

In Your kingdom

Here am I

Imperfect

Declaring Your perfection to the world

Here am I

Fallen

Proclaiming Your saving grace that has come to us

Here am I

Broken

Yet You were broken as I

For me

Because of me

That I could be whole

That I can be whole

I am whole in You

Oh how sweet!

The blood You shed for me

The depths of Your love

Revealed in this

How can I doubt You?

How can I doubt You?

Yet still I forget,

And time and again

Digress to the patterns of this world

Measuring myself by their standards

Father! Father!

I want none of this

I want none of this

Silence

Is my best friend

And the only thing I crave

I want to be near You

I want to be near You

Fanaticism, Revisited and Rethought

Is there no hope for souls such as these?  Who in their sights have seen for certain this fact:  that this world is worthless to live in.  With this picture in mind, resolve is strengthened.  Focusing on the mishaps, the misgivings, the misdemeanors, there is not much to miss out on.  All of a sudden, however, this view is expanded, and here stand all the rest—all the population of the world.  The world's pointing fingers reach just inches from these soul's faces, shoulders are turned coldly on their eccentricities, their supposed fanaticism.  Haughty glances from made-up faces attempt to convince them of their foolishness, their ignorance, their utter, despicable stupidity.  The reaction is exactly what this arrogant population quite doesn't expect.  Resolved and completely confident and peaceful, they look into the eyes of the ones who ridicule them, their gaze unwavering, their faith remaining unquestioned in their hearts, their minds.  Maybe before you would have nabbed me, they say.  Perhaps years ago, months ago, even days ago, your condemnation would have caused me to perceive myself through your eyes, to question exactly what it is I believe.  You're too late it seems, the eyes continue.  Too late to make me waver.  I've finally realized those who are truly foolish in this world.  It's they who chase after these brief reveries of pleasure, these shallow moments of artificial intelligence.  It's they who constantly look to other's definitions of the world in order to create themselves in a way that is to be accepted.  It's they whose sight is limited to this one lifetime; they are scared of what they do not know, they are desperate to forget the truth that their knowledge is limited, and so they deny all that they don't have the answer for.  It's you.  I'm taken aback, the made-up face sputters, that you know so much about them…about me.  It's trying to retain the same arrogance, but uncertainty can be detected behind the sarcasm—it's been thrown off its guard.  I'd like to know then, the retreating face continues, where exactly you stand, seeing as you've attempted to sweep away and replace the very truths of the world.  What you've known to be truths, the eyes counter, head held high, gaze advancing over the other's retreat.  What you've been taught to be truths, thus have accepted as truthful, never once stopping to ask whether or not they really are true.  In answer to your question, however, I will compare where stand I (whom you say to be foolish) with where stand those I have come to realize as the truly foolish of the world.  I, opposite of these, have chosen to chase after pleasures that are eternal.  You may not see them.   There are moments even I have hazed vision and cannot see them, but I know without a doubt that one day they will come to me.  I have decided to search for true intelligence, from the One who crafted all knowledge, all understanding, all intelligence, and is Himself Knowledge, Intelligence, and Understanding at their very core.  I have decided not to look for the opinions of others as to how I should define myself.  I have instead, lost my identity in a much greater One; One who encompasses all of time-past, present, and future.  Because of this, I now have no need to pay heed to what people think of me, and whether or not I'm accepted.  In all seriousness, it now does not matter in the least bit.  For even if I were to be, by your standards, absolutely and completely alone, nothing could be more untrue.  Fads and fashions in appropriate and popular conduct will come and go.  I plan to disregard them all, as I have no need for them now.  I have decided to look over and beyond this petty, incredibly short life, and into the distance beyond.  There are some things I know for certain; these are the hopes I hold to, the promises I know to be true.  There are other things I do not know.  These, however, cannot phase me, because of what I do know.  I know all that I need to know, and all I ever need to know, I am sure within myself that these will be revealed to me in due time, if it is necessary knowledge.  In the meantime, I continue to search for what may be found, and trust in what may not be found.

The eyes continue to gaze into each other, one waiting and watching critically for the other to budge from its convictions, the other simply, peacefully…waiting.

A soul sure in the One will forever go against common reasoning, and many times walk, quote, "alone".  May the name of the Lord be praised.

Learning to Learn

Step by step.
Day by day.
Moment by moment.
I'm learning...to learn.

God grow in me
A heart so sensitive
It trembles at Your slightest touch
As the leaves of the aspen
Who, in the slightest breeze,
Quiver through and through...

May it be in me
And may it be by You
For naught else will do
My own strength
Is a pitiful sight at work
Though I forever strive to do more

Lord when will the day come
When it truly is only You?
When my heart is undivided in love?
I wait for the day
For You to overtake
For You to overtake this heart...

May the truth be told.
I love You