Silence

Is my greatest fear

Through hated tears

Through hatred clears

A new day is dawning

A new time is coming

Clear the way

For the fresh day

Take a step back

It's not what you thought,

No deliverance yet

Carry on, carry on

So we thought there was something coming

Well, turns out we were wrong

Man up

Buckle down

Live this thing out

Around

This time

Once again

Maybe we'll see something

For the first time.

I could've sated my desire

Or at least tried

I could've attempted to fill my misery

Or rather, numb it

But I didn't

I haven't

I chose to withstand

I am now at a loss

I came to You

I came to You

This is all I can boast

But boast?

Not even

It's the one thing I can hold to

The only thing that shows

Maybe I'm doing something right

I came to You

I came to You

I come to You

Who am I kidding?

I'm still as deep in as the very first day

I'm still in need—

Such deep, deep need

I don't understand

Anything

If I burn, is it not mine to have fulfilled?

Yet I feel so inadequate

I have nothing to offer

I have nothing to offer

No solace

No talent

No gift

No recognition

Nothing

I am outcast

And I doubt You

I doubt You

This is the truth of the matter

I doubt You

So while I am helpless in myself

I have completely nothing

For I don't even trust You

How can a person get so twisted?

How can the pressure be that much?

Your standards are so different

Than those of this world

But I can't see them

I can't see them

My mind is bare of Your truths

Which I don't even believe

And full of the lies

The expectations

The standards

Of all these

I drown in my own worthlessness

Choking on the failed attempts to be

Be something society would uphold

Would cherish

Would adore

Would worship

Failed attempts

All, failed attempts

The scream of my heart

Is no longer to be given something

That would be accepted in society

But that I could, somehow, someway,

Be okay

With being nothing

Absolutely nothing

Because I need to be

Because it's who I am

This I know

But I'm not okay with it

Not yet

I'm still searching, still longing

Within myself

Looking

Looking for something

Something I can shine in

Something

Anything…

It's not there

It never will be

Never will show up

This I know

I want to be okay

I need to be okay

Okay with this

Okay

Okay

I should not look to have my identity

In things

Such as these

You

Only You

Only You

Only You

Father, thank You for discipline

Thank You

For revealing my heart to me

I was barely even aware of this thing's

Hold on me

Father, set me free!

I don't know why You've made me

Like this,

But that's not my concern

I know You've made me beautiful

For I'm made

In Your image

And You are beyond anything

That could ever be imagined

That beautiful

I fear others will never see me

I fear others will never see me

Never see the beauty that I do have

Worse yet

I fear others will never want to see me

Never want to see me

This

Is my deepest fear.

I could go now

I could still go

I have plenty to attempt to heal

The pain in me.

But will it help?

Goodness no

Shall I then do it?

Goodness, no

God help me

Help me

Help me

I don't even remember

What I was mourning over

My mind

My mind

My mind!

Trust

Trust

I want to trust You

I need to trust You

Take You at Your word

Do I believe You?

If I believe You

I have to believe

What You say

That's the way it works

I believe You

I believe You

I do

I do believe You

If I believe You

I have to believe

What You say

It only makes sense

Why

Why would I believe You

And not believe

What You say?

It would mean

I really don't believe You

In the first place

As it is

I do believe You

I know I believe You!

Of that I am convinced

It must follow, then

That I believe what You say

And I do

I know I do

Deep inside

I don't want it to stay there

Deep inside

It needs to be

At the top of my mind

Infused, all through it

It needs to be

Renewed

I long to stay myself

In the truths of Your Word

And not have to deal with

The rest of the world

Is that possible?

Even the thought

Of what I'm suggesting

Is completely counter-cultural

Father, lead me

I don't desire

To be a part of this world any longer

Please, lead me

Away from the ways of this world

And into

The light of Your truths

Teach me Your ways

Show me Your paths

Train me to walk in them

May my eyes be fixed on You

As You show me how.

There will be tears

I want to cry to You

There will be joy

I want to rejoice in You

There will be pain

I want to hurt in You

There will be bliss

I want to close my eyes

And breathe in You!

It will be hard

I want to work with You

And in the end

I want to feast with You

In celebration

That between You and I

My whole purpose on this earth

Was fulfilled

That You held me

Never let me go

That I loved to stay with You

That You saved me

That I never strayed from this truth

That You love me

That I held on to You

Even as You held onto me

That I did my best to follow

As You led me

That even though the road was tough

And You had to bear much

With my short-comings

Yet we could rejoice along the way

Any time

In our journey

I, devoid of coordination

Sometimes not even meaning to,

Other times working hard to stumble,

But all times joyful

For that is what it is for You

Not stumbling, but walking

However accidental it may have been

Not failing, but succeeding

However small the progress made

How could I have ever imagined You so?

A condemning Father

Up in the heavens

Barking at me to get it right,

When will you learn?!?

You do not condemn

For I am in Your Son

Washed clean

Washed clean

And now all there is

Is forward motion

However short or long

Purposeful or accidental

Practiced or spontaneous

With You and me,

We make a great team

Maybe this is why

I am Your fellow worker

In Your kingdom

Here am I

Imperfect

Declaring Your perfection to the world

Here am I

Fallen

Proclaiming Your saving grace that has come to us

Here am I

Broken

Yet You were broken as I

For me

Because of me

That I could be whole

That I can be whole

I am whole in You

Oh how sweet!

The blood You shed for me

The depths of Your love

Revealed in this

How can I doubt You?

How can I doubt You?

Yet still I forget,

And time and again

Digress to the patterns of this world

Measuring myself by their standards

Father! Father!

I want none of this

I want none of this

Silence

Is my best friend

And the only thing I crave

I want to be near You

I want to be near You